My Papa.

One week ago today, I sat in the living room with my parents as my dad explained to me he had just learned that my Papa had a massive stroke. I sat in silent misery and cried. If you believe the Bible to be true, and I do, then my first thought accompanying death is eternity. Please indulge me as I write about the thing that has caused my family the most pain.

My Papa was a legend. If you know my dad, you know the invincible Lion-like nature that he possesses. He is strong... the best soul winner I know. He inherited that from my Papa. Papa was in law enforcement for years; he is even in the Policeman's Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C. I have articles and letters from the governor of Illinois, Congressmen and civilians who took time to write him to say thank you for his service. He didn't have a reverse. When he found Jesus, he was much the same. He preached under fire and anointing.

But nearly 24 years ago, my Papa made some wrong decisions and consequently left my grandma after 30 years of marriage, and the church he lovingly pastored. He began a lifestyle that was very unlike him, and yes, it nearly crippled our family.

I am the oldest grandchild, so I remember the most. Papa meant something extra special to me. Much of my childhood was spent in prayer beside my bed, asking God to restore our family, and save my Papa. I asked God faithfully. My dad, my uncle, my grandma...we all pleaded with God. We tried for years. We moved him close to us, but he always moved away. Everyone had forgiven him. But he couldn't forgive himself. I wrote him letters. I called him. Maybe I could have done more...But I did try so hard.

Papa chose to live in a horrible quality of life... in a cheap apartment high rise, in a city, hours from us. He drank away much of his pain, and he chose things that are so contrary to the man he was.

The constant worry was always there. What if something happens to him? How will we even know? Why can't he just come home?

He was found last Monday by a woman that he had been living with, he had had a massive stroke and had laid in the hallway for hours. Had he been with someone when it happened, he would still be alive.

I nearly choke on the tears as I write this, but I must lay out my heart.

So there he was, blind, needing his arm amputated from Compartment Syndrome, and completely brain dead. And for 3 days I prayed incessantly, I went to the church, I layed on my bedroom floored and begged God to heal him. I begged God to give him another chance.

My dad and uncle were told that he may or may not breathe on his own. I refused to believe it. I still prayed. On Wednesday, they decided to take him off the ventilator, because he would have wanted to breathe on his own. Papa was breathing on his own. Much of Wednesday night, I prayed for a miraculous healing for my Papa. I truly believed God could heal him. I told God all about why He should heal him. I called him that night and had the nurse hold the phone up to his ear. I read him scriptures from Isaiah and told him I loved him so much. The nurse told me his hand moved the entire time I talked. So hopeful, again.

At 6:45, My momma came in my room and told me that my Papa had just died. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I found my daddy sitting at the dining room table and I just clung to him and sobbed. If there was ever a time when I wanted God to perform a miracle, it was last week. If there was ever a time when I trusted He would, it was last week. But He chose not to. I can't say I know why...because I haven't a clue. But I still believe in a Healing God that is faithful and just!

My grandma has proved once again the Christian woman she is. She wept for her husband of 30 years like he had never even hurt her. My dad and uncle wept like they've never been hurt. They humbly asked their churches to pray for their dad.


I prayed for a visible healing so I could see a visible repentance, but I didn't see that prayer answered. But alot of things could have been happening in Papa's heart as he suffered that stroke. But I don't know where my Papa was at spiritually when he died. And honestly, I get sick to my stomach thinking about it. His lifestyle was something even HE wouldnt have wanted.
People demand we put someone in heaven or hell, simply because they died!? No. I am NOT the all-knowing, righteous judge of Heaven and that is NOT my job. I will let Jesus reign as King in MY life...I will make the choices that will ensure my eternity and I will hold to the fact that my God is THE saving, healing, life-changing, powerful God of Heaven, just like my Papa would have wanted.