That's the difference

In the last 30 days, I have discovered in myself several nuances of attitude and viewpoint. God is awesome like that. He helps me out. Alot.

I have never been one to just take something at face value. I am not a trusting person. For me, trust is built, earned daily and destroyed easily.
I have this safe, little cocoon where I stay away from harmful, "unsafe" people and hold them at arm's length. If I would happen to give someone a measure of trust, and they make me feel vulnerable, game over immediately.
It's not that I haven't forgiven, it's just that I remember. I remember every weird jab my heart has felt from relationships gone awry. I remember the let down feeling that gossip or broken promises bring. I remember failure.
But most of all, I remember the many times I have let myself down.

During my late high school and bible school days, I kept thinking I would arrive at the Place, the Time or the Relationship that would be it. All those weird feelings would be gone and I would be "safe". Safe to open up, safe to dream, safe to share, safe from failure. Everyday would be perfect. No more painful junk.

But as I have learned, the Place, the Time and the Relationship doesn't exist in THAT way. Wait. Keep reading. It does exist. But not like I thought it did. My much hoped for, Utopian, pain-free world cannot exist this side of heaven. Even while walking in the divine will of God. I CAN be in the Right Place, at the Right Time, but the safety net of perfection does not exist. People mess up. I mess up. You mess up. We all mess up. But that does not mean that I withdraw my trust or hope in people. And it certainly doesn't mean I should stop the flow of life waiting on perfection in myself. I get to wake up every morning to fresh mercies and hours worth of happiness should I choose to embrace them. And I will. Because my heart feels a million times better just choosing to trust and hope in myself, and those around me. And it's always safe to trust in Jesus.


That's the difference. In me.